by Sean "Adam First" Barnes

NOTE: ACCURACY IS NOT GUARANTEED. ^_^

Miss.Dynamite! is fully copyrighted to Sebastien Frechette of Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
(C)1990-2004 Sebastien Frechette

***
Dateline: September 25th, 2004
Holiday Inn Stuart
Stuart, FL

Eva Sirkowski and Blackie Chin were under a bed at the bottom-of-the-barrel Holiday Inn in Stuart, Florida.
Hurricane Jeanne was blowing outside at her peak.
"SOMEONE HAD TO COME TO FLORIDA RIGHT WHEN ALL THESE DAMN HURRICANES ARE HITTING, HUH?!" Eva shouted
over the wind. "HEY, AIRFARE IS CHEAP AT THIS TIME OF YEAR!" Blackie shouted back.
"WHAT? CHEAP? I PAID ALMOST $1,000 FOR THOSE TICKETS!"
"IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY!"
"WE? I'M PAYING FOR ALL THIS BULLSHIT!"
"OH, NO, THAT'S IT, IT'S ON NOW, BITCH!"

Blackie crawled from under the bed and dragged Eva by her hair with her. "YOU WANNA SETTLE THIS RIGHT NOW?!"
Blackie threatened. "BRING IT ON, BITCH!" Eva shouted, smirking. Just as Blackie grabbed her Katana, a
palm tree fell through their front window, letting the 115 Mile-Per-Hour Winds blow into the hotel room.
Eva grabbed Blackie and threw her against the back walls, protecting her from the wind. "WE'LL SETTLE
THIS LATER!" Eva shouted. Blackie was scared to death as the wind blew in from outside. They were feeling
the wrath of nature.

***
LATER THAT MORNING...

Blackie woke up in a daze. Eva was outside smoking a cigarette, with the wind still considerably strong.
Blackie got up and walked up to Eva. "It's about time you woke up. Get your shit, we're leaving." Blackie
went back insider and into the bathroom. She tried to turn on the water but nothing came from the faucet.
She gave up, grabbed her bags and walked outside. Eva was already inside the yellow Hummer H2 they rented,
the lights on, windshield wipers on, and radio blaring. Blackie struggled against the wind with the door of
the Hummer, but managed to open it, threw her stuff in, and crawled into the Hummer. Blackie covered her ears
when she found Eva violently banging her head to a Godsmack CD. Blackie turned off the CD.

"Hey! I was listening to that!" Eva screamed, glaring at Blackie. "Can we just leave?" Blackie said exasperated.
"As you wish, Miss High and Mighty." Eva said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. She backed up the Hummer and proceded
out of the parking lot onto the main road. Just as she turned onto the main road she rammed into a fallen tree.
"OH, FUCK!" Eva shouted as her airbag deployed. Blackie crawled out of the Hummer and checked the car.
Eva slammed her fists on the steering wheel and just sat there, steaming.

***
DATELINE: September 26th, 2004
The White House
Washington, D.C.

George W. Bush sat in his chair in the oval office doing something "really important to matters of National Security"...

...that was playing Pokemon Red on his Game Boy Color. "Come on, you stupid Pokemon!" Bush screamed and threw his Game Boy
across the room in anger. A buzz came from the speaker. "Mr. President, your brother is on the phone." "Connect me." Bush
said.

"JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEB! HOW'S IT GOIN'?!" W. Bush screamed into the phone.
"Fuck, man, don't scare me like that!" Jeb Bush replied, shaken up a bit. Jeb Bush is the governor of the state of Florida.
"Where's my federal aid you punk." Jeb said coldly.
"Hey, Little Brother, Calm Down. I tried talking to Congress but they're a little shifty about giving away any more money."
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"You know...the whole...Iraq thing..."
"DON'T YOU BLAME IRAQ FOR THIS! GET ME MY DISASTER AID OR I'LL BLOW THE LID ON THIS!"
The reciever slammed on the other line. Bush started biting his nails and shifting his eyes nervously.

***
DATELINE: September 29th, 2004
United States Post Office, Stuart Branch
Stuart, FL

Eva and Blackie were standing next to a Ford F250 Pickup Truck they stole after their Hummer was disabled on US Route 1.
There was a supply line in front of the decimated post office, with National Guard troops guarding rations of ice,
water, certain food items, and batteries. Eva and Blackie were filthy, their clothes tattered. Blackie had barely
anything on her anymore, and that seemed to be attracting the male population.

"What are we going to do about this line?" Eva complained, weary. Blackie eyed the single distributor. He was a young
man, seemed to be in his younger 20s, and very attractive in Blackie's point of view. "Don't worry, I got this."
Blackie patted her friend on the back and strutted towards the man distributing the supplies.

The man saw Blackie approaching, and stepped off the truck. "Hello, M'am." the man said, "scanning" Blackie. Blackie
twisted a strand of her jet Black hair around her finger and licked her lips. "Hey there..." Blackie said seductively.
"I saw you from over there and just had to talk to you. What are you doing here?" she asked. "I'm just helping out the
people around here. I'm doing my part." the man said. "Really? That's so considerate...for a sexy man like you..."
Blackie said, pulling the man closer by his pant buckle. "What's your name?" she asked. The man seemed a little uneasy
yet excited. "Uhh...my-my name is Andre. I'm from Switzerland." the man sputtered out. "Mine's Blackie. I love your name,
it sounds so...exotic." Blackie said, winking mischievously.

An angry man in the supply line threw a glass bottle at Andre. "Hey, you fucker, give us some supplies!" Blackie stepped away
from Andre and started to pull something from her purse, but Eva stepped in. "Don't worry. I got this." Eva said and walked over
to the inbred in the line that chucked the bottle. "What's your name, man?" Eva asked. "My name is Tedd." the man said angrily.
"Did you try to chuck that bottle at my friend?" Eva said angrily. "No, man, i'm just trying to get some supplies." Tedd said,
tiredly. "Leave that to me." Eva said.

Eva climbed onto the truck. "OK, HERE's THE DRILL! ONE BAG OF ICE, TWO GALLONS OF WATER, THREE LOAVES OF BREAD! NO EXCEPTIONS!"
Eva started throwing supplies to the weary people. The people started cheering as the line moved quicker and quicker.

Blackie lightly grabbed Andre back and pulled at his attention. "So...why don't we go inside and...talk?" Blackie suggested,
putting her hand over his private area. "OK!" Andre shouted, enthusiastically.

Eva saw Blackie and Andre walking away and shouted at Blackie. "HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! WE GOT OUR STUFF, LETS BOOK IT!" Eva shouted.
Blackie stopped and looked at Andre. "Hey...do you know where we can find some gas?" Blackie asked. Andre laughed and said
"Miami, why?" Blackie grabbed Andre's head and gave him an intense french kiss then threw him on the ground. "Thanks, baby!"
Blackie laughed and climbed into the pickup truck Eva stole earlier. "Miami, here we come!" Eva shouted, stepped on the gas
and sped off.

"CALL ME!" Andre shouted. "Fuck, I was so close! I guess it's back to the art school chicks for me." Tedd walked by and heard this.
"Get A Life, Nerd!" he shouted and walked to his car. Andre frowned and kicked at the dirt.

***
LATER THAT DAY
Miami International Airport
Miami, FL

Air Force One landed on Runway 7-L at Miami International Airport. George W. Bush was on the plane, as well as his wife Laura, his
daughters, and a mob of reporters. He arrived in Miami not just for, once again, another phony hurricane relief speech with his
brother Jeb, but he was also there for tommorow's super-important Presidental Debate against his opponent, John Kerry.
He stepped off the plane, gave a wave to reporters, and stood infront of a podium where a thward of Bush supporters were standing,
cheering. Bush stood infront to give another speech.

"I'LL WIN THAT DEBATE TOMMOROW; YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT!" Bush shouted into the microphone and walked off, leaving behind a screaming
crowd with love for Bush. "Crazy asses..." Bush muttered.

Coincidentally, John Kerry did the exact same thing later that night. He got off his huge campaign jet, said a few words promising
a debate victory, and then was rushed off.

Tommorow was a big day.

***
AT THE SAME TIME...
Olympic Stadium, home of the Montreal Expos
Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Melodie sat just above the dugout of the Florida Marlins at Olympic Stadium. It was the third inning and the Marlins were
killing the Expos at their very last home game before the Expos moved to Washington, D.C. Many Quebecoi at the stadium and
other Expos fans were not happy at all with the Marlins' sacrifice of the departing team.

"GO BACK TO MIAMI, YOU FUCKERS!" a man shouted and threw a golf ball onto the field. "YEAH, TAKE THAT STUPID WORLD SERIES TITLE
AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR FAT AMERICAN ASSES!" More people shouted and started booing, throwing golf balls at the field. Melodie took
the glass beer bottle she was holding and chucked it at Josh Beckett, pitcher for the Marlins. The bottle hit Beckett in the back
of the head, shattering. Shards of glass stabbed Juan Pierre standing nearby. "AHHH!" the players screamed.

A man only known as Sirkowski, sitting next to Melodie, high-fived her. "Double Play! BOOYAH!" the man named Sirkowski said and
laughed.

***
DATELINE: September 30th, 2004
Radisson Hotel, Downtown Miami
Miami, FL

Blackie was moaning loudly and pleasurably. "OH, YES! IT FEELS SO GOOD TO GET A HOT SHOWER!" Blackie hollered. Eva rolled her
eyes and flicked the TV channels. "..ONLY $19.95!"--"...BITCH ASS MOTHERFU"--"-day in Miami the first Presidential Debate will
take place between George W. Bush and John Kerry. It will take place at the University of Miami tonight." Eva's face suddenly
brightened up.

Blackie came out of the bathroom stark naked. Eva put a plain face on and stared at Blackie.
"What? You act like you never seen me naked before." Blackie said and giggled. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!" shouted Eva. "Hey,
calm down, MicroMachines...man, you need to get laid, seriously." "I DO NOT!" Eva shouted. "Well, at least use this every once
and awhile!" Blackie kidded and threw a vibrator at Eva. "EWW! GROSS!" Eva picked it up and threw it to the other side of the room.
Blackie left and emerged back into the bathroom. Eva crawled across the room and secretly stuffed the vibrator in her bag.

***
LATER THAT DAY
Burger King, Art Deco District
Miami Beach, FL

Eva and Blackie sat inside the empty Burger King eating cheeseburgers and french fries and sucking down Cokes. Blackie was dressed
in a Hot Pink Blouse and Short Black Skirt, her panties in full real estate view. She had an 80's fetish going on on this day.
Eva was in her standard White Tee-Shirt with her Camoflague Jacket and tattered Blue Jeans. "Have you heard about this Presidential
Debate?" Eva asked Blackie. "Debate? What? Is it some kind of party?" Blackie said through a mouthful of French Fries. "No, you moron.
It's when two political figureheads fight with each other." Eva said. "What, like a fist fight?" Blackie asked. "No! They fight with
words. An argument." Eva said annoyingly. "Name-calling, taunting, stuff like tha--" Eva slapped Blackie across the face. Blackie
held a hand up to her face and frowned. "I'm sorry, Blackie...I just haven't had any fun lately." Blackie perked up. "Fun...?"
Blackie winked. "NOT THAT!" Eva shouted angrily...then melted into a smile and threw a french fry at Blackie. "Oh, no you didn't!
Blackie said and giggled. She threw back a french fry and Eva caught it with her teeth. "Wow...impressive!" Blackie said. Eva
smiled as she chewed on the fry. "Come on, let's go." Eva said.

Eva was driving on the MacAuthur Causeway towards Downtown Miami. "You said something about a Presidental Debate?" Blackie said.
"Oh, yeah. I was thinking, you know, I've been really down lately...and I want to have some fun." Eva said. "Yeah..." Blackie
said. "I want to crash the Presidential Debate tonight." Eva said mischeviously. "Hey, it sounds like fun! I love crashing parties!"
Blackie shouted. "Alright, I have it like this. We steal 2 passes from two punk kids that are on the University of Miami that won
an essay contest to see the debate. We waltz right in and raise hell!" Eva said, laughing. "Hey, i'm all for it!"

***
THAT NIGHT
University of Miami Convocation Center
Miami, FL

The lights were set. The locale was ready. The University of Miami was definatley ready for the mud-sligning event of the year.
The Kids on campus dubbed the debate:

"THE 2004 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES: WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY SAY?"

Eva and Blackie arrived on campus. They had fake UM IDs in hand and tickets to see the debate. They were ready to bring the house down.

FBI Agent Twiggy Rickenbacker, away from her assignment in Hong Kong to cover the Presidental Debates, stood infront of the open
front doors of the Convocation Center, guns holstered with metal detection wands in hand and K-Rails (Cement Highway Barriers)
blocking the whole building. Twiggy, dressed in a suit, waived person after person through. When Eva and Blackie came up, she fastly
moved the wand up and down both of them and waived them through. She didn't think of anything of it at the time.

Eva and Blackie had very good seats -- front row. They saw the prettied up podiums and bright lights shining down on the stage.
The place was already packed. A man arrived from the back and started speaking. "Attention, everyone. People, please. I'll be your
moderator for tonight's debate. If you don't know me, i'm Jim Lehrer, host of NewsHour on PBS." Jim said. "BOO, PBS!" a man shouted
in the crowd. "Hah hah. I'd like you to cooperate with us tonight and keep quiet, especially when President Bush and Senator Kerry
are speaking." "Whatever, nerd!" a man said in the crowd. Lehrer stormed off the floor and sat in his chair and waited for the
opponents.

There were millions of TV Cameras inside the center, with someone from every network imaginable there.
>From FOX News to KTLA-TV of Los Angeles to SKYTV to Al-Jazerra.

"Ladies and Gentleman..."
A million red lights on the TV cameras lit up.
"The President of the United States, George W. Bush."
George W. Bush walked on stage with a huge smile on his face, the audience clapping and cheering. Bush settled his place.
"Ladies And Gentleman..."
The audience was silent.
"The Democratic Opponent, Senator John Kerry."
John Kerry emerged from the back, his large chin overshadowing his smile. He waved and he situated himself.

Blackie already started falling asleep on Eva's shoulder. She didnt notice it at first...until she started drooling on her shoulder.
She shoved Blackie awake. "Ech...."

"President Bush, First Question...On December 21, 2002, in the Oval Office with then-CIA director George Tenet, you expressed shock
to Mr. Tenet that the evidence regarding Iraqi weapons of mass destruction was so thin. Yet just five weeks later, in your State of
the Union address, you showed little if any doubt whatsoever that Iraq was a certifiable threat. What new information came to your
attention that changed your mind so dramatically in just a few weeks during January 2003?"

President Bush shifted a little bit. "Oh, Fuck." he said. "BURN!!!" Eva shouted.
"Mr. Kerry, Rebuttal?"
"Mr. Bush obviously dosen't know the answer of that question because he's a bad leader, a bad descision maker, and he flip-flops
more than I do!"
"BURN!!!"
"Oh, shit!"

"President Bush, next question...Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz projected that, by the summer 2004, the United States
could be down to as few as 30,000 troops in Iraq. It's now autumn 2004, and we still have almost 140,000 troops there. Was the
administration wrong in its projections about how well the war would go? Looking forward, if you are re-elected how many troops can
we expect there to be on the ground in Iraq one year from now?"
"I want EVERY FUCKER OVER THERE! GET ALL THOSE LITTLE PUNK KIDS OUT THERE! REINSTATE THE DRAFT! I WANT ALL THE OIL! YEEEHAW!!!"
"You fucking suck, Bush!"
"PEOPLE, PLEASE!" Lehrer shouted.
"Mr. Kerry, Rebuttal?"
"You fucking suck, Bush!" Kerry shouted.
"STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! YOU ALL HAVE TO CALM DOWN!" Lehrer shouted angrily.
"That's better, you fucking punk kids."

Eva and Blackie sneaked out of the meeting. Eva just remembered that an elephant will be coming into the center as a stagepiece for
President Bush and the Republican Party. She saw the secret service agents guarding the elephant. Eva loaded up her Sniper Rifle and
fired at one of the agents. The bullet entered his head and out, splattering blood everywhere. The other agent looked around nervously.
Blackie stealthily moved towards the standing agent, unseathed her Katana and cut the unknowning agent in two. Eva climbed up the back
of the elephant and stitched 5 blocks of C4 Plastic Explosives under the Republican Party banner.

"What's with the explosives?" Blackie asked. "John Stamos's Brother Richard Stamos will be preforming tonight when the Debate is over.
He'll be singing that one song called "Loving You". Eva said. "I love that song." Blackie said. "The bomb is on a sensor. When he
hits the High F in 'Loving You', BOOM! No more Republican Bullshit!" Eva said evily. "Great plan!" Blackie laughed and they sneaked
back to the debate.

"You're a liar and a phony!" Bush shouted.
"You endangered this country more than I endanger my career with flip-flopping. FUCK!" Kerry shouted.
"OK, I'VE HAD ENOU--" Lehrer

Jim Lehrer was knocked out cold after a metal chair was thrown at him. Behind the group of students and cameraman were hip hop stars
Method Man and Redman, fresh from a concert at Florida International University. "YO, BUSH AND KERRY! YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA PLAY
BY THE BOOK ON THIS ONE! GET 'EM!"

"You Stupid Fucking Flip-Flopping Big Chin Ass!" Bush shouted.
"GET 'EM!"
"You Dumb Redneck Texan Bad Haircut Daddy's Boy Bitch Ass!" Kerry shouted.
"GET 'EM!"
"YOU RICH NORTHEAST MASSACHUSETTS ROLLS ROYCE SENATOR COCK SUCKIN' ASS!"
"GET 'EM!"
"YOU OIL HOGGIN' ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DROPOUT STUDDERIN' ASS!"
"Oh, HELL NO!"

Bush pulled out an M16 Military Assault Rifle and Kerry pulled out an AK-47 Assault Rifle. Everybody just then
seemed to pull out their own guns and pointed at each other. Eva had a Desert Eagle in hand, with Blackie just
having her Katana. "God damn, security sucks!" Eva shouted, breaking the silence. Suddenly, the republican
elephant with John Stamos's Brother entered.

"Uhh...ok...entertainment...we can pause the whole...gun battle thing here." Bush studdered a bit.
Everyone put away their weapons and sat down.

"Now, preforming the hit song 'Loving You' is John Stamos...'s Brother."
"WHOO YEAH!"
"GO RICHARD!"
Eva and Blackie smiled big grins.

'LOOOVIN' YOU...
IS EASY 'CAUSE YOUR BEAUTIFUL
DO DODO DODO!
AHhh---AHHhhh---ahhh!"

"What the hell, he didn't sing the High F!" Eva shouted.
"Richard Stamos is a bitch, he always screws the high F up."
"YOU SUCK RICHARD! BOOO!"

Everyone pulled out their guns again and started firing. Bullets ricocheted all over the room, breaking glass, the lights, the cameras,
and other things. After 5 minutes of shooting everyone found themselves shooting at a nearby wall that leads to the Women's Locker Rooms.
"I BET I CAN MAKE A BIGGER HOLE THAN YOU WITH YOUR WEAK-ASS GUN, BUSH!" Kerry shouted over the gunfire.
"What?! How DARE you insult me like THAT! I DEMAND SATISFACTION!" Bush took a leather glove and slapped Kerry with it.
"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

The gunfire ceased immediatley.

"SIR, I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE! PISTOLS ON THE HIGHWAY, RIGHT NOW!"

***
20 Minutes Later...

A crowd was set up around Bush and Kerry, both holding pistols. The duel was taking place outside the Convocation Center on Ponce De
Leon Boulevard.
"OOH YEAH, THEY'RE GONNA GET SERVED!" a student shouted.
"WHO IS?!"
"I DON'T KNOW, BUT SOMEONE'S GONNA GET SERVED!"

Bush started counting off as they both took steps.
"ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, AND TE--"

Suddenly, Richard Stamos and the Elephant ran to the scene.
"HEY, EVERYBODY, I CAN DO IT! THE HIGH F!"

"Oh, shit." Eva said.

'LOOOVIN' YOU...
IS EASY 'CAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
DO DODO DODO
AHHHHHH!'

The censor activated and the explosives blew on the elephant, causing it to blow. The huge blast sent Bush and Kerry and all the
political figureheads flying high up into the air and falling to their potential deaths.
"OOH, THEY GOT SERVED!"
"Shutup, stupid ass."

"Well, that worked well. You feel like Chinese Food?" Eva said.
"OK."